From the Vault: Super Bowl XLII Review

In the name all things nostalgic – and as a system of checks-and-balances against my own stupid opinions – the LCHC will occasionally republish and reconsider articles and features I originally wrote for other sites. The goal of this is both to shine a light on my past work, and then to subject that work to mockery and derision thanks to the benefit of hindsight. 

This article was originally published on The On Deck Circle on February 5, 2008 – Super Tuesday 2008 and two days after the biggest Super Bowl upset ever .

Imaginary Player: Super Bowl XLII Review – Barksdale Edition

With the Queen’s Sports Industry Conference pilfering my entire life’s schedule last week, you, the loyal reader (ed: singular form intention) of this space were regrettably not treated to my superfluous yet scintillating ramblings last week. In order to correct this misstep, I will be live and in full effect at least twice this week. Yes, containing of your excitement may prove impossible, so try not to strain anything.

Today though we will fully examine the forty-second version of the Great American Game. The most over-exposed and promoted Super Bowl ever did the impossible: it managed to surpass the hype. 97.5 million people saw the Giants somehow make 18-1 a reality. The unbeatable Patriots were brought to their knees in a flurry of secondary blitzes and perfect execution by the New York front four. For one night at least, Eli F’ing Manning (!) was the finest player in all the land. No, really.

When considering and appraising the brilliance that was Sunday night’s drama, it is only fitting that we pay homage to our time’s greatest drama, one that delivers a theatrical spectacle EVERY Sunday, Super or otherwise. I speak of course about the power and the glory that is The Wire, the most compelling, mesmerizing piece of television canon ever created.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your 2013 Gotham Rogues (Ancaster Edition)

It is an absolute truism that no one who isn’t in your league actually cares about your Fantasy Football team and that you should therefore keep any ramblings you may have about it to yourself.

And yet, in a cruel twist of fate, there are very few things one cares more about than their own Fantasy Football team, and almost nothing that so readily prompts one’s desire to ramble.

…Perhaps someone should write a song about this kind of situation…

With this truth considered, and at the risk of turning this into the sports fans’ equivalent of a D&D discussion thread, I nevertheless felt that following our draft this past Sunday it was only right to present my team’s Official Yahoo! Draft Report Card (a solid “B” according to the auto-bots at Automated Insights) and my starting roster, if only so that everyone here can mock and ridicule me in public later when the season goes horribly awry.

More to come later today on how I managed to completely abandon my Draft strategy in the very first round, and the heartbreak of losing out on a Top-3 Keeper pick, but for now, behold the “Arkham All-Stars”, the future champions of Ancaster 2013/Yahoo League ID #25451, your Gotham Rogues…

So Crazy It Just Might Work: Vernon Davis at WR

The San Francisco 49ers are in an interesting, challenging spot as they look towards the new NFL season. The team was only a few minutes away from coming back to win the Super Bowl last year, and quite rightly carries renewed championship expectations ahead into this season.

Confidence and experience aside though, injuries already make the team’s chances of a return trip to the title game anything but assured. They face the painful reality that its leading receiver Michael Crabtree will be out until at least November with a torn Achilles tendon, and overall their stable of receivers is untested and underwhelming. One would think that no matter how terrific their defense is, if the Niners expect to have any kind of meaningful success this year Colin Kaepernick is going to need to have guys to throw to before Thanksgiving.

Enter all-everything tight end Vernon Davis.

Davis was already expected to be the Niners primary target from his natural position of TE, but now news has emerged that he has also spent some of training camp lining up at wide receiver. If that doesn’t put the fear of God into several corners in the NFC, I’m not sure what will.

Reassembling the ProStars

Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Bo Jackson as Saturday morning cartoon superheroes – as concepts go, it doesn’t get much higher than that.

As their theme song told us, they were ProStars – nay, Show Stars (Note: Please do not ask me what exactly being a “Show Star” entails). They were larger than life, at the pinnacle of athletic greatness while still finding time to fight crime, help children, and protect the environment. Imagine Captain Planet, or the Ninja Turtles, but if they could also dunk, score a hat-trick, and truck multiple would-be tacklers.

And then, *poof*. Like that, they were gone after just 13 episodes, too great to be long for this cruel world.

Well, I for one think we have gone long enough without cartoon athletes/superheroes. After the jump, behold my plan for rebooting this forgotten classic. ProStars Assemble!